Where'd You Go, Bernadette?
A great message about a talented architect who shut down her magic, and then thought f**k that!
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In the movie, Cate Blanchett plays the role of Bernadette Fox, a highly talented and respected architect who, after having one of her masterpiece buildings torn down by a belligerent rich guy soon after he bought it, walked away from it all and went underground.
Professionally, anyway.
And for quite a few years, as she attended to her own family’s needs, with the odd reno project on the side, she slowly became more and more anxious, stressed, depressed and, frankly, weird.
She was insular, avoiding any regular social contact with others and got a little manic and even paranoid at times.
It got to the point where her husband, a brilliant mathematician and computer scientist, took steps to get her professional help.
As it turned out, the core issue was that she was an inspired genius creator...
...who was no longer creating.
That part of her that brought about life, energy and purpose had been shut down.
Emerging Once Again
In the movie, it was not until she gave herself again to her essence, her raison d’être, that she regained her energy, resilience, and genius.
In short, she found herself. Or, rather, let herself emerge again.
Many people bury who they really are at some point in their lives.
It may be due to parental expectations influencing their choice of career. It may be that they change significantly to accommodate their partner’s trajectory. It might be that they lost faith in themselves because they thought that who they really were wasn’t good enough, or wasn’t a fit with the accepted views of what was normal in society.
Often it can be less obvious than any of these reasons.
It might be that they simply got left behind as they accumulated more and more roles and responsibilities of:
Being a parent of one or more children
Juggling changing financial pressures
Dealing with ageing parents
Handling financial challenges
Trying to juggle work, perhaps.
They just got left behind.
The thing is, if you leave someone behind for long enough they pass completely out of sight; like a train that eventually rounds a bend and then loses sight of the station it just left.
Do you feel like you’ve lost sight of yourself?
Do you feel, like Bernadette Fox, that you’ve ended up playing someone else’s life, and your real self has gotten buried?
And maybe, as a result, your life, career, habits, preferences, and lost dreams have gradually made you anxious, stressed, irritable even?
Do you ever wonder where the real you has gone?
Or do you sometimes hear the faint knocking coming up from deep down below somewhere?
If you do, can I encourage you, not to ignore it. Don’t bury it again. Don’t try to start something new to mask the vague unease.
Ways Forward
At the very least, talk to a trusted friend about it - to give voice to it.
Or, write down your current thoughts and feelings - even if you haven’t got any answers.
Find some way of taking some small steps to either become more honest with yourself or stop something that’s getting in the way of the truth. A commitment, maybe. Or a habit. Or a way of talking to yourself that’s unhelpful.
Maybe, you might go as far as stop seeing a friend or acquaintance who tends to pull you back, at least for a while.
And
Ask with your head, “Where’d I go?”
Listen for the answer with your heart.
Some Questions to Ponder and Comment On
Have you seen the movie? What did you think?
What do you think of the idea that rather than going to find our true nature, it’s more about letting it re-emerge?
What’s something you’ve adjusted in your life to better align with your personality or values?
Terrific illustration and example, Rob. What comes to mind for me: I sat with a recent client living under a cloud of depression, snippiness with his spouse and general irritability - not the clinical type. An early question I ask clients is "What brings you life and joy?" It is a reference point and one of these items (scuba) showed up on a recent things he wants to do in 2024. Yet he keeps avoiding it wanting to be in a better mind space before engaging it. The funk deepens as he avoids. Counter-intuitively, life is found moving into the discomfort. I have found this play out in my life too.