Grandparenting 201
The Three Ts, 10 Free Ideas, and Grunty Music.
I have the privilege of having a wonderful granddaughter who's currently 8 years old. She's an awesome person, and I love spending time with her. Make no mistake, it can be exhausting at times, but that's probably due to my energy levels now that I'm in my 60s compared to when I had my own children of the same age.
However, right at the beginning, I decided, as many people do, that I'd step up and be an active granddad, notwithstanding that she's the only child of a solo mother. Hence, I'd probs be the primary male figure in my granddaughter's life. (See what I did there? "probs" - a lame attempt to speak modern lingo, very important for grandparenting. Or is 'Probs' sooooo last year?).
Side note: I fully recognise that you may be in a situation where you have lovely grandchildren and cannot see them often due to distance. That's hard. I also recognise that some people have estranged relationships with their children, which can affect, or even shut out connecting with, their grandchildren. If you're in that position, I feel for you.
The Three Ts
After eight years of being a grandparent, here are three things I've observed that seem to make the most significant impact on grandchildren. And yes, they all start with T because I'm that guy...
Time
They love spending focused time with you, even doing the most basic things (especially when they're quite young). And, of course, focused means no scrolling. Right? :)
Touch
They respond to hugs and appropriate touches because, biologically, it creates bonding, which is so important for healthy development.
Talk
This is the primary, but not only, carrier of conversation. I like to see conversation as the oil that makes relationships smoother. Plus, talking is how you discuss, debate, and explain things.Â
Notice that presents or expensive clothes are not on the list. I mean, at that age they grow so fast that last month's fancy new jacket is too small next month! And which child can remember what they got for Christmas two years ago? (Which adult, for that matter!)
Notice also that molly-coddling is not on that list. They don't need you to be a pushover (nor a dragon). They need you to be safe, consistent, and caring. Molly-coddling only teaches them stuff you'll regret when they hit their tweens, if not before!
To Have Time, Stop Distractions
As with most things in modern life, if you don't deliberately intend to be that wonderful grandparent, you'll get busy and distracted, and eventually, time and opportunities will slip away from you. So it's important to not only hope to be this kind of grandparent but actually make time for it, which means stopping doing other distracting stuff when they're around or when you could be spending time with them.
10 things I love to do with the Mooster (her nickname)
Okay, I admit that some are pure Rob! But others can be done by anyone:
Drive to a nature area where you can make a fire or start a primus and cook sausages. Let her put whatever sauce she wants on her sausage and bread. Salad? Nah!
Go boogie boarding at Papamoa Beach. "Grandad" (yes?) "Let's go boogie boarding. I'm going to beat the pants off you!" Being the wuss I am in cold water, I need to use my wetsuit. Other than that, let's go!
Soak in the spa pool and do the underwater things she loves, like swirling around in a circle. This is also a great opportunity to teach chemistry - she checks the chemical levels using the checking kit and makes adjustments as needed.
I drop her off at school every Thursday morning after a sleepover. She loves arriving at her conservative (and very awesome) Christian school with the car windows down and grunty music blaring out of the car stereo. She enjoys the strange and concerned looks we get from other parents. Favourite track for this occasion: Nigel Standford - Automatica. Listen to it, and you'll see why. Plus, the video is very clever indeed:
Kneel down on the grass after school finishes on Thursday and wait for my huge, running, flying bear hug. I notice that most other granddads stand slightly uncomfortably with their hands in their pockets. Bro, get down on your knees! (If you can't get back up, no problem. Your grandchild will help you).
Books, books, books! We love sitting on her bed, she hugging a hot water bottle and her favourite sloth, me hugging her, and reading to her using various character voices. I'm especially good at The Three Little Pigs. Just saying.
I love teaching her how to use tools properly in the garage as she conceives and then makes a unique invention, like a vegetable washing station or a block-and-string robot. Any idea goes, and I take the support roles of materials provider, instructor, and Health & Safety Officer.
Challenging her thinking. I think it's very important, nay imperative, to teach her not what to think but to know how to think. One tool I've taught her is Three Reasons Why. "Grandad, Troy was so mean today at school. He hit me on the arm." (Oh? Why do you think that was?) "Well, he's just mean." (okay, that's one possible reason. Why else might he have done that?) And so on...
Helping her recognise and become okay with her emotions, especially when she's frustrated or hurt. This usually entails staying calm, saying, "Sweetheart, you seem to be frustrated. Have I got that right?" and "Why is that, darling?" This is usually followed by, "Well, it's totally fine to feel like that. Let me give you a quiet hug until the feeling calms down a bit."
Letting her 'drive the car' from the start of the driveway to the end about 20 metres away. She sits in my lap, does the steering wheel, selects park, engages the brake, and turns off the engine. I do the pedals and, although it's a straight line, any crash avoidance tactics that may be required. I never criticise her. I encourage her to figure it out, including mistakes and always stay calm. I usually tell her, "You know, I love the way you're being careful here. You're going to be a very good driver when you're older."
Consciously Make Memories
All these things are conscious attempts to create memories: "I remember when Grandad and I used to...."
Think back to the positive things in your life (Christmases, holidays, special times with your grandparents/parents/Uncle, etc.), and you'll realise they were quite often the most simple, cheap, and fun.
May I encourage you to go do the same.
Let's Summarise
Being an active grandparent is awesome fun.
Grandchildren need time, touch and talks.
Expensive presents and clothes etc are not required.
Molly-coddling doesn't help.
To have time, you need to stop other distracting things.
Create memories using simple, cheap and fun activities.
What do you like doing?
I would love to hear your ideas and then I can try them out myself! Tell me about them in the comments below, use the button below, or flick me en email to rob@alifethatmatters.com
I’d love to hear from you.