Turning 50? Meh. Wait til your sixties.
Growing through your 30s and 40s differs from your 50s. It’s only when you reach your sixties that you can look back and see what’s transpired. And when you do, what will you see?
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Life’s Milestones
Which life milestone have you found the most profound? When you turned 40, 50 or 60? Or if you haven't yet, which one are you thinking most about, and why? Or, was it something other than turning a certain age that you would now say was a profound time in your life? Like, getting divorced, being diagnosed, being made redundant, or having your first grandchild?
Steve Jobs, the co-founder of Apple, once famously said, "You cannot join the dots looking forward, you can only join the dots looking backward."(1) Regardless of what he was like to work with, the man was a genius. That saying, when applied to your life, is absolutely true.
When we look back on our lives to date, we can see the dots. The places we've been, the people we've met (good ones and all the nincompoops), the wonders we've seen, the pain we've felt. Then there's all the celebrations we've had, the successes we've enjoyed, and the poor choices we made. The list goes on.
You cannot join the dots looking forward, you can only join the dots looking backward.
When you look back, and join the main dots, what do you see?
Do you like what you see?
Do you like who you are today?
Before I turned 50, what many would call a major milestone (or, dot), I was expecting that milestone to somehow be much more profound than it actually was. From all my reading, watching, and listening to others, I somehow expected my body to suddenly change, my whole life purpose to suddenly become clear, and my circumstances to change. But on the 22nd of October 2010...
...nothing happened.
Except:
My age technically changed to 50
My birthday party was disappointing
And everything else stayed the same.
Well, Rob, of course it did.
Looking back now, as Mr Jobs suggested, I can see more clearly that turning 50 was actually not a big change at all. No single birthday is. And as for the notion of 'the 50s', it's all in the mind. Society might say, "Well, you're now 50, and that's old." But, of course, that's rubbish. You're just 50.
Looking back from your sixties
However, looking back from my sixties and joining the dots of my 50s, this is what I see, none of which was anticipated in 2010.
1. I experienced empty nest syndrome three times, which was extremely difficult.
2. I walked away from religion in all its forms. Also big ramifications.
2. My ex-wife and I separated and then divorced after 29 years. Huge change.
3. Despite not wanting to, I met a new partner. Yay.
4. She was almost immediately diagnosed with breast cancer. Not fair.
5. Six friends or family members have died, most unexpectedly. Sad.
Of course, there were lots of wonderfully positive things that happened as well, and they form milestones in your life too. For me, those include major overseas trips (one of them solo for 10 weeks around the world), a first grandchild, special expeditions with my daughter (seeing Coldplay live, hiking, skiing and fishing) and my son (he lived in Japan for a year and I went to visit him).
Most worthwhile changes tend to come from challenges
However, my experience is that most significant changes in oneself (as opposed to just lovely memories) come from significant challenges rather than celebrations. This seems to be borne out in psychological research too.
The point of this story is this: When we look forward we cannot know what's up ahead. But when we look back, we can see where we've been. And that can tell us how well we've navigated life to date.
In my forties, I was experiencing success in work, family life, and health. I knew my place in the world. The downsides for me were experiencing depression for the first time, a couple of minor medical experiences, and little free time. Looking back, I'd say it was fairly normal overall.
In my fifties, I experienced big changes. As mentioned, spirituality, relationships, work decline, and loss of people. I struggled with adapting to a different life format. I struggled with Self and finding my place in the world. But, by being open to learning, trying new approaches, getting some counselling, and getting better at accepting reality versus expectations, I made it through with bells on. But sh!t it was hard.
Now in my sixties, I feel happier than I have ever been. That's probably because of the processing I've been through, and the healing of time. Many issues have been resolved, and I feel somehow calmer and wiser. I've let a lot of things go - expectations, some dreams, trying to be successful, trying to be liked by everyone.
I actually enjoy having turned 60 because (a) I'm more in tune with real life, (b) I don't feel I have to like everyone, be right all the time, or care about everything that happens and (c) it feels like I'm an elder and I like that role.
The body is now starting to complain a bit, mostly in the eyes, knees, and leg joints but in my case I have little to complain about. So I don't. I compensate with an afternoon nap most days which I find tremendously beneficial.
So, let me recap
When you turn 40 you have your 30s to look back on. For most people, they're probably a time of establishing yourself. When you turn 50 you have your 40s to look back on. They're usually a time for stabilising yourself and reflecting a bit on where you've got to so far, making plans for the future maybe.
But when you turn 60, you get to look back on your 50s and for many people, they're a decade of wobbles. Sometimes bigger, like menopause or divorce, sometimes smaller like empty nest or work changes. I found that it wasn't til my 60s that I began to feel comfortable in my own skin, to accept where I'd been in life and who I'd become, and be grateful for life because there is now less of it ahead than there is behind.
So, turning 50 wasn't such a big deal for me.
But what happened in my fifties was huge.
Over to you
If you're in your 50s:
How's it going for you?
What challenges do you have?
How well-equipped do you feel for meeting them?
How well-supported do you feel?
And if you're in your 60s, nice.
What changed for you in your fifties?
How well did you recover, grow, and move on?
What's one big plus about being in your 60s for you?
Added resource
Here’s the famous speech in which Steve Jobs talks about joining the dots looking back:
Loved this, Rob.
Those milestones are terrifying as they come over the horizon and comfortably familiar as we watch them in the rear-view mirror.
One thing those disappearing milestones teach is perspective.