Wiser Weekly #23
On being in the sandwich generation, becoming a nobody, and whether your values are rattling their dags (I'll explain that phrase in a sec...)
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I’m in that so-called sandwich generation. I have adult children - some of whom need a fair bit of support for various reasons - and I have very elderly parents who also need a fair bit of support.
In fact, I have three elderly parents, but that’s another story.
There’s a subtle yet powerful difference between saying, “I have to look after Mum today and take her shopping” and “I GET to look after Mum today…”
I mean, once she’s gone (which, not to put too finer point on it, could be any day now) then I CAN’T take her shopping even if I really wanted to.
It’s a reminder to stop thinking I’m obligated and instead look at it as an opportunity; one that millions of people no longer have.
Here’s an interesting transition
I’m reading a book that’s challenging me in many areas. It’s called The Inner Work of Age by Connie Zweig, Ph. D. She has long experience in psychotherapy, and counselling people through transitions and late-adult life.
One aspect of life after, say, 65 that she talks about is the change in roles as you retire. Now, many people say they never want to retire, or that retirement is just a made-up word created by our particular culture. I can understand both points of view.
But Connie talks about her observation that many people she’s worked with (okay, mostly men!!) struggle to transition from being employed, with a role/title/identity as a doer, an impacter, a succeeder, a provider and so on to a later stage of being no-longer employed.
With that comes the experience of having nothing in particular to do, no one to lead or solve problems for, no title (or office to go to, or colleagues to recognise etc), and no identity as a <insert previous role here>.
Result? They become lost, at sea, identity-less.
In a nutshell, this is a failure to transition effectively.
I don’t want to be like that and I’m sure you don’t either.
And here’s where it gets deeper.
There are outward elements of late-life transition and then there are inward. We see lots of advertising about the outward - physical health, enough money to live, maybe retirement villages, getting new teeth, joining community groups like Probus etc.
But we seldom hear anything about the necessary inward elements. Such as, can you handle the change in identity you’ve held for so long that no longer applies? Or can you move from getting your sense of purpose from your ‘success’ and ‘provider’-type career, to something else like volunteering or mentoring.
Or how about this beauty from Connie Zweig: Are you actually afraid of going from being a somebody to becoming a nobody? Because that feels like failure, or becoming invisible. Neither of which you’re used to.
Woah.
For the record, Connie suggests that a way forward might be to alter your definitions of what life is about, what success looks like, and how failure fits in to life right alongside success, experimentation or just the odd wrong-turn.
What do you think of that?!
Podcast episode - Are your values “rattling their dags?”
What on Earth, you may say, does that mean?!?
Rattling your dags is a term from sheep farming whereby the sheep’s poo hangs off their wooly butt and dries. These are called ‘dags.’ Then as they run around those dags rattle against each other! Until they're cut off by the shearer.
It’s a way of saying that when someone or something is trying to get your attention, they’re “rattling their dags” at you. Making noise to get you to take notice.
In this latest podcast episode, if you’re feeling some mild discontent in some area of your life, then it may be your values that are rattling their dags trying to get your attention. Because something ain’t right and needs tweaking.
🔊 Listen here if you haven’t already.
Shout-outs
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