You May Need a New Map

On what changes as we age, old narratives, and how who you really are may be quietly calling.

Preface - As I re-scan this before sending, I can see a lot of 'I.' But really, it's about 'We' and is designed to help you in your daily life. So, bear with.

Okay, I admit it. I'm late with my newsletter. But the thing is it's taken me a bit of time, focus and effort to 'get my feet back under the table' as it were, after coming home from a 6-week trip overseas.

That’s us in front of one of the most awesome places we’ve seen - the medieval town of Carcassonne in France.

But there's another reason.

I'm going to turn 64 this year and frankly, I've never been happier, more at peace, and more grateful for the life I live than I am these days.

I must be aging well.

And that's the second thing. I'm currently going through a phase of letting go of the old and letting the new surface.

This isn't about clearing out old stuff from the garage or attic. Although, that might be part of what happens next. Mind you, I tend to clean out regularly anyway, so maybe not so much.

Let me explain the phase thing.

When we come into this world, we humans develop and adapt to our environment to cope with whatever we experience. In other words, we create and then live to an identity. It's quite normal and designed to help us survive, feel safe, and feel like we belong.

As we age, which is to say, keep living, growing and changing from one phase to the next, we need to re-adapt to who we are, how we think, and what we do in life. Changes can include where we live, key relationships, jobs, financial situations, spare time, and so on. However, we also need to continue to adapt our identity to suit the stage of life we're at. You can't really see yourself as a free, vibrant, devil-may-care person in your 40s like you might have in your 20s. It's just not going to work in real life. Otherwise, serious challenges will come up for you, your loved ones and your life in general.

It's the same for what you believe. It might have made perfect sense when you were younger, but now, with years of life experience under your belt, maybe those beliefs don't fit any more. That happened to me when I was in my late 40s/early 50s. There was a growing realisation that what I had believed so deeply and completely for decades was not reflected in my daily experience. I had to let it go. Scary.

…we also need to continue to adapt our identity to suit the stage of life we're at.

So, let me cut to why this is relevant to me right now and why it may also be relevant to you. I've had a growing realisation lately that the identity I had of being a training and development specialist in the corporate and professional service worlds since about 1998 well and truly suited me back then. And it has continued to do so for a couple of decades since.

But you know when, to semi-quote something I read recently, 'you realise you're being well-paid for something you no longer want to do?'

That's it right there.

Yours truly a few years back now (you can tell by the shirt style!) helping senior lawyers develop their leadership.

Don't get me wrong. I thoroughly enjoyed my 25 years of corporate training, coaching and conference speaking. I loved sharing, teaching and mentoring. I grew in leaps and bounds as I studied the areas of clear thinking, communication, influence, leadership and so on. I loved working with all sorts of people in professional service firms like Bell Gully, Minter Ellison, Lowndes Jordan, BDO, James & Wells, PWC and the like. The places we ran our workshops and retreats were fantastic places to be - flash conference rooms, wonderful hotels around the country and overseas (including Borneo!), and very special lodges around the wilds of New Zealand.

Like this one I ran an event at…

Photo: swaindestinations.com

I also learnt a tremendous amount about people, groups, organisations, business and finance by working closely with ANZ, BNZ, Westpac, Fonterra, Air New Zealand, Countdown, FMG and so on.

While I still love the subjects, enjoy working with people, and like travelling to neat facilities and places, the particular combination called corporate learning and development specialist no longer seems a fit with who I am and what I value today.

I don't mean to diminish these activities and environments, but to put it frankly I am no longer interested in corporate strategy, change management, basic leadership, influencing partners, and endless team meetings, emails, town hall meetings, and competing agendas and resources.

I was interested for years.

But no longer.

A great book¹ I'm reading right now, called A Life of Meaning by Dr James Hollis, talks about this in very helpful ways. James explains that as we grow, the externals of our lives change. But the danger is that the internals don't mature as they should; as a normal, growing, healthy adult should. And so, we can inadvertently hang on to an identity that isn't really us anymore. And you know as well as I do that if you try to retain something on top that doesn't fit what's underneath sooner or later rifts begin to appear. Stress, anxiety, depression, lack of enthusiasm, and so on.

This failure to transition well through stages of life is what's behind the notion of a mid-life crisis. It's essentially a result of a failure to understand, plan for, and transition through changes in lifestyle and identity.

Now, I'm not experiencing a midlife crisis at all. I think I transitioned well from my late 40s to my late 50s, especially given the significant issues I had to navigate and negotiate. But to be honest, I've probably hung on a bit too long to the old corporate training identity. Just a bit.

The territory has changed and I need a new map.

Do you?

The 6-week trip away with my lovely wife was a wonderful opportunity to disengage, not read emails, not read LinkedIn, and not think about the next coaching programme or speaking opportunity. In the end, I realised that I needed to let go of the old identity in question because it was no longer fit for purpose or in sync with my current experience, values and nature.

That may be easier said than done.

But let me leave you a tasty morsel to consider. James Hollis says we are not what's happened to us, those are just stories of the past. We are what is trying to find expression in and through us today.

Let it rise, I say.

What are your thoughts on this?

• Does this resonate in any way with you? Why do you say that?

• What have you noticed rising from deep down inside?

• Or, at least, what rifts or cracks have been appearing in your life in the last few months or years? What do you think they indicate?

• Or, are you happy as a kite in your life? Fantastic! What’s your secret? (I know. There isn’t one, really. It’s not that simple, eh?)

Need a Sounding Board?

If you want to talk about this with a trusted confidant (i.e. me!) drop me a line and we can set up a free 30-minute Zoom session.

1. A Life of Meaning by James Hollis, PhD. Get a copy here (no commission): https://www.amazon.ca/Life-Meaning-Relocating-Spiritual-Gravity/dp/1649630727